Yesterday, I went shopping for jeans. Frig-fraggin-*&^$@#*^, I hate shopping for jeans.

I'd put it off for a few weeks, actually. I had a friend who promised to go with me, then flaked for mostly understandable reasons. Then I got sick. Since I woke up sans fever yesterday and once again had only holey jeans that didn't fit, I decided to get it over with. I went alone, and I went with a heavy heart.

Now, I know there are all sorts of jeans/pants-buying dilemmas out there, and maybe mine seems silly: my legs are long and my hips are slim. Doesn't sound like a dilemma yet? Well, you try looking for jeans that fit those criteria and come out not hating your body.

As is always the case, I tried on endless pairs of jeans, in many sizes. If I tried them any tighter to fit my hips, my legs wouldn't go into the legs. If I found some that mad my legs look great, they gave me flat ass (and my little ass needs a little definition or it disappears). I always end up settling for a pair that will do and having to wear a belt, every friggin' day of my life.

Sometimes, what I wouldn't give to go beltless!

And maybe it still sounds like a stupid dilemma. Well, truth is that the girl you think has a fabulous rack gets annoyed when she wants to go running or wear a low cut shirt or even buy a dress that fits her waist as well as her chest. And the girl with the tiny hips wishes desperately that she was curvy.

Truth is, full confession, I don't like my body. I want to, and I know I need to, but it's hard to feel beautiful, to feel like a grown woman, to love my body. I wish I had those legs and that cup size and size 6 jeans. I think some women pull off the slim look, beautifully, perfectly, but my proportions are just odd enough that I don't.

Shopping yesterday had just that much more edge when you add in that I have inexplicably lost weight recently. (Well, constant stress and lack of sleep may have something to do with it.) The jeans that I owned didn't even fit anymore. I had to succeed in my shopping endeavor, an activity that always depresses me, and I was entering at a low point.

There is a happy ending, to this particular story. After buying a cheap pair of skinnies that would do to tide me over, I ran into some friends. One suggested Anchor Blue and lo and behold, the first pair I tried fit beautifully. Great wash, good fit through the legs and butt, exactly what I wanted. Crazy, brand new experience.

Still, I was left thinking about why it is that shopping is the one activity I can think of that has so much power to either make me hate my body or love it. Why have I afforded so much power to body image, to distract me from what I know is good about myself, or even from what I know I need to develop in myself. It's hard to look past the surfaces sometimes, especially when they scream unkind things at you. I'm not going to finish with some advice on how to combat these feelings, because I frankly don't have any. All I can say is, when you have to go jeans shopping, make sure you try on a few things that don't give you so much trouble. End the mall trip with a pretzel. I don't know. All I can do right now is acknowledge what I don't like and try to think about the other things. Being treated to pizza. Hanging out with my favorite woman. Buying a few tops to wear with those elusive but finally captured jeans.

wow. hello. I'm sure that no one bothers to check this for updates anymore, and yet here I am.

it has been a long time and much has gone on. much of my summer and the few months prior has been devoted to helping a friend through depression. also going on: urban ministry, total job/pennilessness, my 21st birthday, moving THREE times, started leading a Bible study which is so amazing, started my LAST YEAR OF COLLEGE, reached some milestones, made some mistakes, crossed some lines, learned some things.

and, with all of this still going on and more continuing to pile onto my plate, I have returned to this blog. I am here because I realize that with everything that I do, I don't do anything for me. I have no fun personal mission, I have no motivation to try unique things with my clothes, which in turn effects my self-esteem. if I may bare my soul for a moment, something I've come to realize is that I don't do anything for me unless I force myself, and darlings, that's not good. because I haven't paid any attention to me in recent months, I've lost myself to some extent. when I am asked how I'm doing, I answer "fine" not because I don't want to share but because the true answer is "I don't know." this is no way to live, I assure you right now.

that's why I am back. that's why I spent this morning with my journal, my Bible, a cup of tea, and this blog. why I dressed with a purpose this morning. why Fiona Apple, Camera Obscura, and the Beatles are flowing out onto my balcony as I sit here.

it's nice to see you again.



things I'm looking forward to: finishing putting my room together. I have an awesome project to do... which means I'm off to thrift stores for some more materials this week. family bbq this week... feels like I haven't seen them for ages! lots and lots of neutrals, more about that later.

who's the fashionista now?

(click through)

my blogging habits need some fiber*

So much for regularity... although, if you think about it, I regularly do not post very regularly.

That said, I have a 3 hour period twice a week during which I will be online... yes, I mean during class. I'm hoping to use at least part of those to finally keep up.

School started last week... and an interesting week it was. I began teaching my very own class of freshies... they are delightfully SILENT. Oh, and by delightfully, I mean I want to pick one to throw my binder at to see if they'll even notice.

Teacher outfit:






*That's right... it's a poo joke. Nothing but the classiest for you.

First discovered by the Germans...

Full disclosure: I'm one of those people who absolutely romanticizes traveling. Still a favorite fantasy of mine is globetrotting journalist, running through the airport in my worn leather jacket to make a connecting flight to some obscure location, with only a beat-up duffel bag, a laptop case, and my very nice camera...

This may explain today's travel attire:






I'm on my way to who can guess where from the title to visit my Jonnie! I haven't seen her since August so I am very, very excited.

Well, I think my plane is about to board, so peace to ya lovelies! Later days!

I've bought purple tights. We see what happens with them.

Happy New Year! I hope it's swell for all of you. Mine will soon really begin, which I'm definitely looking forward to. Time at the folks' place always feels a bit like limbo. I feel like I'm just waiting to go back to life.

In the meantime, I'm spending plenty of quality time with that nephew of mine.

Also, new blog addiction: Daily Fashion Boost.

The upcoming semester looks to be a relatively easygoing one, so I'm hoping to finally come back to regular posting. This break has put me online quite a bit, which means I am once again bored with everything I've been wearing and I'm ready to start doing new things... just exactly what, we'll see. Something with purple tights, perhaps?

Oh yeah, I finally got my grades back: 3 As and 2 B+s. I'm pretty stoked about one of those B+s especially, considering I wrote half of the papers for that writing intensive class THE NIGHT before they were due. That was the finals week picture I posted... NO SLEEP that night (or the next, or the next), but I'm DONE with last semester and ready to move on...

I have a feeling that a lot of things are going to continue to shift drastically for me this semester. My perspective and therefore plans have changed concerning my entire future... I no longer want to be a professor, but I do want to teach still... perhaps in Africa? Vietnam? San Fransisco? I want to intern with Oxfam. I want to sing in a nightclub. I want to write books and poetry. I want to mend the Church, and people. I want to have children and help them with their homework.

...Perhaps I'll narrow that down soon?

...Perhaps not.

Finals week #1

Monday, 3 AM:



And my study buddies:

Oh, Santaaaaaaaa....

I'm a little obsessed with this dress right now:


Sally Jane Vintage

So.... Who's going to buy it for me?

have you voted yet?

Is it time for my monthly post again?

Sorry I'm so lame, peeps. I'm so unmotivated to do anything remotely related to school, which means I get behind, which means I feel guilty doing anything else, which means blah blah blah.

So I figure I should make this hiatus official. I know, I know, all the cool kids are doing it, I'm just following the trend. I guess I'm a lemming like that.

In the meantime, check out beauty tips from Audrey Hepburn.

See you around the interwebs at a later date!